Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Celebrity Sick

Sometimes I think life would be a lot easier if I were a celebrity. For example, if I was too tired to go to work, I could simply call in “exhausted.” I’ve never heard of a person in “the real world” being hospitalized for exhaustion, yet celebrities are constantly exhausted and getting IV drips. I can imagine the conversation with my boss:

Me: I’m not going to be in today.
Boss: What’s going on? Are you sick?
Me: Actually, I’m exhausted.
Boss: I am, too. That’s work. Get your ass in here.
Me: No, really. I need an IV drip because I’m so exhausted.
Boss: (muffling laughter)
Me: Hello?
Boss: We’re all exhausted. That’s no good reason to miss work. And this is law, we have deadlines.
Me: But…I’m..just…so…exhausted.

I mean, seriously? I’d like to know the trick to getting away with this one. Anyone who works a normal job is going to be exhausted from time to time, particularly if you have to work extra late and be in extra early to meet a deadline. Exhaustion? Yes, I feel so sorry for you.

The other “out” that has become quite popular is being labeled a “sex addict” because you cheat on your spouse excessively. I’m looking at you Tiger Woods and Jesse James. Rather than calling a spade a spade or an asshole an asshole, said asshole gets to claim addiction and go to rehab. Because they are sick. I have no doubt that sex addiction is real and there are people out there who have it, but you can’t convince me that someone like Tiger Woods is a sex addict. He’s a guy who is massively talented and wealthy who had a gaggle of women after him everywhere he went and took advantage of it. And Jesse James – are you insane? You cheated on Sandra Bullock, who is one of the most fabulous people on the planet. Honestly, if a guy I was married to tried to pull the “I’m a sex addict” card after he took on twenty mistresses behind my back, I’d tell him to pound sand.

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