Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Cryokids or Kids in General....

I just turned 36, which among other things means I need to change my About Me section.  But somehow 35 is such a nice age.  Now I'm just that much closer to 40. 

Other than that, I've been thinking long and hard about the kid thing.  Do I want kids?  I'm single, and I love being single.  I've dated a lot, since I was 16 years old, so about 20 years of dating experience.  I've had a few long term relationships, none of which worked out.  What's funny is that none of them ended with hatred or anything like that.  They just fizzled and faded away, and they were mutual decisions to just move on.  I still love those men, as friends, or as individuals that I felt so much love for in the past, but what's done is done.  I still see one of my exes on a fairly regular basis due to mutual friends, and he is married with two kids now.  And it's funny, because when I see his wife, I think "Thank God that isn't my life."  Guess that one worked out for the best, eh?

And I, frankly, have no desire to get married.  Hell, I don't even like dating anymore.  Usually when I go on dates, I get about halfway through and wish I was sitting home on the couch with a glass of wine and Criminal Minds on the DVR.  I'm so tired of the whole charade, and who is going to pay, and do I have to avoid the kiss if I don't want to kiss him, and what if he's just boring and gross.  I just so rarely meet anyone who I'm interested in.  And honestly, I do try to meet men.  It's just that they are all either too weird, too boring, too old, too poor, or too something else.  Maybe I'm too picky at this point.  Maybe I deserve to be picky.  I don't know.  But the fact is, whenever I've dated anyone for more than a couple of years, I've eventually gotten bored and annoyed with everything about them.  So how can I ever get married for the rest of my life? 

Regardless of the marriage factor, I sometimes think I would like to have a kid.  One. Because having a kid is one of those things that you have a certain time period to do (before the clock stops ticking) that I think I might regret not doing.  It's not that I think I want one, it's more that I think I might regret not having one.  I'm not sure that's a good reason to have a kid.  And since my clock is ticking loudly right now, given my age, I've considered the whole going to the sperm bank thing and just doing it on my own.  But something about that really depresses me, since I was really close to my dad before he passed away and I don't think it's quite fair to subject a kid to a situation with no father, even though I can provide financially in every way for the kid.  And then I came across this web site, Confessions of a CryoKid, which is written by a sperm donor girl, who seems to resent her mother ever doing it.  Do I want to do that to my kid?  Um...no.  But yet, I don't feel that I'm being selfish (as she alleges her mother was) because I want to have a biological kid, yet I have no man.  Then again, maybe it is selfish to want a biological kid when I have no man. 

Anyway, my other option is to possibly approach some of my gay male friends/couples and see if they want to procreate.  Since they can't do it themselves, I can provide quite the commodity -- my uterus -- and since we all know each other already, maybe it could work.  We could certainly work something out.  And my kid could have a dad, and their kid could have a mom.  But, how do you even bring that up?  Maybe I could ply them with shots and convince them.  I don't know...but it is something that is heavily on my mind.  I've got to act within the next few years....

Oh!  And I have a brand new niece coming around Christmas.  My sister just informed me.  So, the count will be...two nephews and four nieces.   Can I add one to the mix?  Maybe.  

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