Friday, August 20, 2010

Dear Sammi from Jersey Shore...

You are only 22, so I am going to cut you some slack.  At 22, I also did a lot of stupid things when it came to men, many of which I can't even think about right now without deep shame and embarrassment.  However, your behavior is making Jersey Shore nearly unbearable to watch, so your actions are starting to affect my life, because I enjoy watching the rest of the cast.  I both want to slap you and give you a big hug.  Instead, I will give you some simple advice, which I have learned over the years:

1.  Men may lie about things like where they are going, who they are with, and what they are doing, but they generally do not lie when they tell you how they feel about you, particularly if they really like or love you.  (They may lie about loving you, but they never lie when they say they do not love you.)  In fact, in my experience men who are interested or in love go out of their way to make sure you know, and that it is perfectly clear.  When Ronnie screams at you that he hates you, that you are a cunt, a bitch, or any of the above, please understand that is how he feels about you.  He is not lying.

2.  Men don't need you to "check on them" when they are wasted.  That's what their male friends are for, and most men can take care of themselves.  In last night's episode when you cut off from the group and chased after Ronnie's cab, and he ignored you, you deserved it.  There was no reason why you needed to "check up on him."  He was fine.  Stop trying to take care of a man who doesn't want you to take care of him.

3.  When a man shows up at a bar where all of his friends are hanging out, don't assume he is there to see you, as you did in last night's episode.  He probably is there to see his friends (and because that's where MTV was filming); you just happened to also be there also.

4.  A man who loves you doesn't go out until 5 in the morning night after night to the clubs with his friends.  He occasionally likes to go out with you or spend time with you.

5.  I have no idea why you and Ronnie broke up in the first place, but there was obviously some reason, whether initiated by you or him.  People don't break up for no reason.  Remind yourself of that reason when you start to find yourself getting drawn back to him.

6.  Talking incessantly about a man who is treating you like utter and complete crap drives your girlfriends insane.  At least feign interest in their lives and try to talk about other things.  It is not all about you.  And don't tell them you are "done, literally done" when you clearly are not. 

7.  Allowing a man into your bed mere hours after he called you a cunt, bitch, or worse is not only inane, but it makes you look like a fool.  It shows him that he can say whatever he wants and do whatever he wants and you will simply put up with it.  This will not make your relationship with him better, and he will only lose respect for you.

8.  It's okay to feel depressed about a relationship ending, but at some point you have to get out of bed and move on, particularly when you are being featured on a reality television show.  You are a very pretty girl, and there are a lot of men in the world.  Why are you so hooked on this loser?  Can you have any fun this season, because all I've seen is bitchface and sadness.  Further, you might feel better if you actually put some sheets on your bed.  Clean sheets can work wonders.

9.  Likewise, if you want to find out what Ronnie is actually doing, stop storming out of the club crying.  Stick around and watch the show rather than bother all of your friends in the house about it.  And don't put your friends in the middle of it.

10.  Most importantly, stop making excuses for his behavior and projecting what you want him to be feeling onto how he is acting.  If he wanted to be with you, he would be with you, and not just at 4 a.m. when he needs a warm bed.  I don't care about how much alcohol was in his system when he said what he said or did what he did.  Fantasizing may be easier on the heart than reality, but reality always trumps fantasy.

(Yes, I know this has all already happened, but last night's show drove me bonkers.  I can't watch these two anymore, and they are ruining what used to be a hilarious show.  More MVP and Snooki and J-Woww, please.) 


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