Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Has My Sister Found the Right Man or Not?

So, my youngest sister (she's almost 28) is coming to visit me this weekend.  With her boyfriend, who I shall refer to as "J."

This is an interesting situation, because my sister has been dating J for around three years.  I say "around" because I truly have no idea.  All I know is that he has been around for at least multiple Christmases and family events.  He's sort of part of the family now.  I'm just used to him being around and buying him presents for holidays and treating him like part of the family. 

She hooked up with J after dating D for a year or so.  D was really rich, but around fifteen years older than her.  He was her sugar daddy, but not officially.  I knew he was too old for her, even though I did like him.  He treated her well and was a nice guy, which is what we all want for our sisters.  My mom liked D because he had a lot of money.  So, when my sister dumped D for J, my mom was really pissed off.  You see, my mom is all about either (1) money; or (2) education.  Poor J, he had neither.  But J is a super nice guy, he has a steady job where he makes decent money (but not "rich"), he is good at his job, he is closer in age to my sister, and he treats my sister like a queen.  So, I liked J from the getgo.  Honestly, the first time I met J I totally adored him.  I thought he had a lot more longterm potential than D, because my sister's biggest problem with D was that he was 15 years older than her and wanted to get married and have kids.  She was not ready for that at all.  I knew that, she knew that -- my mom would not accept that.  My mom still laments to me about D, even though D has since gotten married to someone else.  That was not the life my sister wanted, or was ready for.  I knew that, and she knew that.  And I don't blame her.  I think she made the right decision in dumping D.

So, my mom hated J for awhile, but then she grew to accept him, in part because I kept telling her how great he was.  (And he really was.  I loved J.  I loved J with my sister.  I thought they were so great together, complementary when that was needed, and all that.)  And I thought all was great between J and my sister, so I was being the annoying (and admittedly, usually drunk when I said this) sister and saying things to him like "dude, where's the ring?"  That was the wrong thing to say.  My sister is like me, I found out later.  She does not want to get married.  (WTF?  All right, maybe I need to explore how we were raised, because it seems bizarre to me that two of us have no desire for this.  On the other hand, my younger sister is happily married, as is my brother.  Maybe 50/50 is the best you can hope for?  Although, we do have a long line of independent women on my mother's side, which I found out about thanks to ancestry.com and talking to my grandmother). 

So, at any rate, my sister dumped J last Octoberish.  And it was a bad dumping.  He had moved in with her, and rented his house out to someone else, which resulted in a shitload of drama when she broke up wiith him.  Obviously.  (Note:  I was like, you couldn't have decided this before he rented his house out to move in with you?  Because now, his house -- that he owns -- is rented out, so where is he going to live?)  It was a Fucking Mess.  And my sister had sex with some other guy afterward, and J found out and J was going out with other girls and my sister flipped out and all this.  You know, the usual, right?  Just total drama.

But they kept talking, of course.  So, when I was with her in Las Vegas over Memorial Day weekend, I called her on it.  We got into a huge fight.  Because, my point was simply this, and I'm quoting it because although it is not an exact quote it is the jist of what I told her:  "I understand that you miss him -- of course you do, he was your best friend for three (?) years.  But you broke up with him for a reason.  And if you are getting back together with him simply because you are afraid to be alone, that is the wrong reason.  You cried to me on the phone about how unhappy you were with him, and broke up with him because of it.  I want you to be happy.  That is all I want.  So what are you doing?  Grieve, be sad, and then move on.  Your relationship with him will not get better.  You are young, hot (note:  she is outrageously hot), and you can find a guy who is better suited to you.  I want you to be happy, and I don't think he really makes you happy.  I think you are running back to him because you are lonely and scared."

We were both crying at the end of my rant, and my rant was only because I cared about her and wanted her to be doing what would make her happy long term and not short term, and I stormed out and gambled for awhile, and the next day I tried to apologize (even though I didn't really feel like I needed to), and she said "don't worry about it" and the trip went on like nothing had happened.  I just told her I wanted to tell her how I felt, and she accepted it.  But, in the end, she got back with J.

And they are coming to visit me this weekend.  And although I love J, I don't think my sister is completely happy with him.  Maybe she is now.  Maybe breaking up with him is all she needed.  I guess I will find out this weekend.  But, to me the fact that she dumped him once (and kicked him out of her house to do so) makes me think that this is a "comfort" thing as opposed to a "this is the guy I want to be with" thing.  All I know is that I never regretted breaking up with a guy once the long term hit.  (Well, maybe one, but maybe not, there are questions there, but I was young.)  To me, if you hit that "I can't stand you and I want you out" point, there is no turning back.  But J is back, and like I said, I like him.  So I'm curious to see how this weekend is going to flow.        

4 comments:

  1. oh man, I'm curious now too!
    This immediately made me think of this comic:

    http://mingle2.com/dating/phases

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  2. They were acting as though they never broke up, and seemed happier than ever. Maybe all they needed was a little break to truly appreciate each other.

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  3. Either way, no one listens to anyone's advice. She'll have to figure it out on her own like everyone else. Hope it works out for the best though!

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  4. Yeah, I still fear he's her comfort guy. But if he is, I can't complain, because he is a good guy. At least he's not a jerk.

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