Sunday, September 19, 2010

I Fear I've Passed the Point...

When I was 26 years old and working in management consulting, my boss at the time was 32 years old and drove a Porsche.  She was super fashionable and basically my idol for the entire year I worked with her.  I wanted to be her when I was 32.  Well, I still don't have a Porsche, but that's okay since I live in the city now.  She was dating a guy at the time kind of seriously, but confessed to me that she felt like she was stuck in her ways, had waited too long to marry, and that she was so independent that she didn't know if she could deal with marriage and everything that marriage required.  I don't know what happened to her, because I left the firm shortly after that project and moved to Chicago for law school.  I should really look her up. 

But what she said stuck with me, and I feel that way now.  In fact, I've felt that way for awhile.  I'm used to my life now -- my life with my friends, family, work, and co-workers.  I question whether I have room for another person in my life, particularly one that requires the amount of time that a boyfriend/husband requires.  Right now, I can do exactly what I want to do.  I have no requirements of oh, we have to meet my friends for this and by the way you get to hang out with their wives, or we have to do Christmas with my family or I have this work event and you have to come with me...etc. 

Of course, everyone thinks I am missing out on that "bond," that "relationship."  Sometimes I agree.  There were certain things I loved about having a boyfriend.  It's nice to have someone to immediately call when something great happens and someone to generally lounge around with and be lazy.  It's nice to have someone to force to go with you to family events and work events and any other events you want to go to.  But I have those things in my friends and family.  I can call my sisters or my mom at any time.  Even my married friends are right there when I need them.  Hell, my married friends want to go out with me more than anyone.  Does that say something?  I don't know.  There were also bad things about having a boyfriend.  It goes both ways.

At any rate, since I'm home on "date night," I've been giving it all some thought.  My male coworkers think I need to get involved with more Chicago Bar Association and other lawyerly type associations around here to meet someone.  But hell, I don't want to date a lawyer!  I want to date someone in some other line of business.  To be honest, my requirements in a mate are at odds.  I want someone who makes decent money (so I know they aren't after me for mine), but yet most businessmen or other financially successful men I meet are completely insufferable.  (Dude, I don't want to talk about the stock market, let's talk about Jersey Shore!)  As are most lawyers.  (Maybe I am also?)  And I like tattoos on a guy.  I really am attracted toward more "guy's guys," if that makes any sense.  Not guys who go to a salon to get their hair cut or get their nails manicured.  I mean, God.  I want a guy who can fix my toilet or patch my drywall, right?  Unfortunately, many times the money requirement isn't there.  This isn't a gold digging thing, either, because I do fine on my own.  And while guys can claim all they want that they want a woman who makes big money, when it comes down to it, they don't.  They are intimidated by it.  Been there, done that.

At any rate, I don't know why I find it so incredibly hard to meet someone I like, other than that I'm now maybe being incredibly picky because it will be a sacrifice for me to date/marry anyone, because I will have to give up my life that I'm used to.  That's really terrible, isn't it?  But God, almost everyone I know who is married seems kind of miserable.  My mom tells me I need to put as much effort into dating as I do into my career.  Maybe she's right.  In fact, she is right.  I put no effort into dating.  If I meet a guy who asks me out, and I like him, I'll go out with him, but I really put no effort into meeting men.  When I'm out with my friends, I hang with my friends.  I don't scope the bar for men.  I just think that's rude.  What I really want is a guy to just go out with, travel with, have sex with, etc., but with no real huge commitment.  Unless I want it.  Ha ha.

I'll just say this -- after quite a few long(ish) term relationships -- one four years, one two years, one nine months, and one six months -- I've found that I've generally been happier just to be on my own.
But then again, Gloria Steinem got married at 66, so maybe there is still hope for me...if I want it.


  1. I have always believed that the best things happen when you least expect it. Whenever I TRIED, my expectations were huge and I always got disappointed. Do social things for the sake of being social and if something happens then great! Yes! It is sooo rude to scope out guys when you're hanging with your friends! OMG! But, it's definitely hard to meet men that way.

    My bf had seen me out a few times before. He said I was always with a big table of people and he didn't want to make an ass out of himself in front of everyone. One night, I was at my fave bar by myself (best friends with the female bartender). He walked in with a mutual friend and the rest is history.

    I feel you on not wanting to date another lawyer so where can you meet a "man's man"? Go play some pool with a female friend and flirt? Hit up some dive bars for the hell of it by yourself. Bring some paperwork, look busy and they won't leave you alone. Go watch a football game at a typical sports bar? You will definitely get talked up, that's for sure.

    It could be an interesting exercise in putting yourself out there to see what happens. I used to go out alone all the time, just read or write and have a drink or coffee and go home. A woman alone is the most enticing bait.

    Do you have to tell anyone how much you make? You can always casually downplay your job at first. You don't have to reveal that you made partner immediately. Men like mystery and the chase, right?

  2. Yeah, it occurred to me recently that I've been devoting so much time to work that I haven't been going out and just being social nearly enough, so I am working to change that! It's hard because I've gotten myself stuck in this work routine and I need to snap out of it! And you're always happen when you least expect it!

    I do downplay my job, and don't tell anyone how much I make, but after awhile, anyone with half a brain can figure it out. But believe me, I'm not out there broadcasting it or anything.