Sunday, October 17, 2010

Girl Friends Who Are Entirely Focused on Men

I have a friend from undergrad, who I will call M.  I've known M since day one of classes at undergrad, when we were both 18 years old.  So, I've known her for a very long time.  When we were in undergrad, she was a great deal of fun, and she was probably my best friend back then, as far as friends from college.  (My true number one best friend is C, who I have been friends with since I was ten years old, but I think you can have multiple best friends.)  M was it for me in college (C and I went to different schools), and M and I lived together for three years in college and ran around together, did a lot of ridiculous things, and generally had a blast from the ages of 18-22.   

As we've gotten older, M has lost her coolness and has become more and more unbearable.  She is not the same person I met at age 18, although I'm not sure why this surprises me.  M and I lived with two other girls during our junior and senior years in undergrad, and I still keep in touch with both of them, and we have all agreed that she has become annoying to the point of obnoxiousness over the past ten or so years.  (I figure if they feel the same way I do, then I am not being overly judgmental.)  Our other two roommates haven't changed a whole lot personalitywise, and I don't feel like I have either, so I'm not sure what happened to M along the way.  I wish she was like she was in college. 

M is, like me, single and childless.  She likes to claim (loudly) that she is very happy about this, but the truth is, she really isn't.  She is one of those women who has to have a boyfriend at all times or she feels old and worthless.  (I don't get this because I would rather be single and happy than attached and miserable, but what do I know?)  Further, I think she would like more than anything to be married, even though she will deny this vociferously.  So, M has gone through a few different boyfriends in the years since we graduated from college, none of whom were right for her (although to be honest, she is very hard to deal with now, so I don't know who would be right for her), and all of whom have ended up dumping her after years of dating.  This results in crying phone calls and visits to me. 

I wouldn't have a problem with this if she didn't ignore me completely when she was happy in the relationship.  After all, what are best girlfriends for if not to cry and share the ice cream over the phone, right?  But when M is happy and all is going great, she calls me, talks for an hour or two about herself, and then tells me she has to go.  She also does this with our other two roommates from college.  We have started placing bets on whether she will even ask us how we are doing or what is going on in our lives during these calls.  In recent years, I try to avoid talking to her on the phone as much as possible for this reason.  She's become so self absorbed that it is truly nauseating.  Like, I have called her after having horrendous breakups, and rather than listen to me whine (as I do with her), she turns the conversation around to herself and ends up talking about herself.

To be honest, I'm not sure why I'm still friends with her other than that we've been friends for so long.  That's truly the only reason.  I don't look forward to seeing her or talking to her anymore.  (In fact, I never call her, ever.)  She has changed so much since college, and is so into the drama of her life, and I am so not into drama in life, that I'm not sure what we even have in common anymore.  But, it is what it is, and it would break her if I ended this friendship, so I just put up with it.

Further, she is now borderline anorexic.  She was "normal sized" in college.  She is convinced she was morbidly obese.  She was not.  But over the past ten or so years, she has taken it to the extreme, and kind of looks unhealthy to me.  I can't say this to her anymore, because when I do, she tells me I'm crazy, and that she's fat.  (Trust me, she is not.)  She also takes eight million years to get ready and has to be in high heels and tight skirts and all this makeup and gel and crap whenever we go anywhere.  I hate this.  I like looking good, but she's become hugely high maintenance and I hate high maintenance. 

As I said, she must always have a man.  About a year ago, she came to visit me.  (She lives about a 6 hour drive away.)  During this visit, she found out that her boyfriend of about three years (who was a complete douchebag the one time I met him), cheated on her.  I will not go into the details about how she found out about this and all of the drama that ensued, but trust me when I say that it was seriously fucked up.  Like, crazy.  I openly questioned her sanity to her.  She blew me off.  So, all of this craziness ensued, she was here at my place, she spent most of the weekend on the phone with him fighting, fighting with the girl who had the sex with him, or crying, or whatever.  It was not a good weekend for me.  Not that it's all about me, but I hadn't seen her in awhile and I thought maybe we could have some fun like old times, but instead, the drama overwhelmed the visit.  When she left, I told her to end it with him pronto.  I had a long talk with her, given all the details I knew of their relationship, and told her to point blank end it and kick him out of her house.  (Yes, he fucking lives with her, in her house!)

Of course, she didn't.  She made up a ton of excuses why, none of which I bought, but whatever, it's her life.  I knew this was not going to end well.  So, here we are, a year later, and a few weeks ago at about one in the morning I get a teary voice message from her telling me that he "abandoned her."  (Please, they had no kids, weren't married, and she wasn't relying on him financially.  This is the drama that I'm talking about.  Truth be told, he probably pulled an invisible man because she is so dramafull now and he just wanted to get away.)  She wants to come see me.  Of course.  I'm too good a friend.  So, I told her to come out, whenever.  I have no set in stone plans coming up.  So, she tells me she'll come out for Halloween weekend, because she wants to give herself a few weeks to cry and all that before she comes out, so we can have fun.  Okay, great.  In fact, perfect.  I do not want to have to deal with phone calls to him all weekend again. 

Then, yesterday I get a message from her saying she wants to come next weekend instead.  Okay, fine, whatever.  Then she tells me that she "has a date" and that's why she wants to come this weekend.  Of course.  This is what I'm talking about.  It's not that she wants to see me, it's that she has a date with God knows who in Chicago and needs a place to crash.  She's done this before.  During the three years that I lived in Los Angeles and begged her to come out and visit, she "couldn't afford it," but she could afford to visit some dude in San Francisco who she met on vacation.  She also visited a guy in Boston during that time.  She regularly travels around the country to meet up with men she meets on vacation, but, she couldn't find the money to visit me when I lived in L.A.  (And I lived in Brentwood, so I was living it up and could've taken her out!)  She's still never been to L.A.

At any rate, she was like "you are invited to come."  What?  Um...I'd rather sit on my couch in a fleece pair of pajamas with a glass of wine than "accompany" you on your date.  If he's anything like the other guys she's made me meet when she's visited me over the years (yeah, she was also cheating) he is going to be (1) good looking; and (2) a complete douchebag.  That is her type.  I can't figure it out.  So, when I told her I'd pass, she threw me this text about "oh, it's just a couple of old friends from undergrad."  Okay, so (1) she won't tell me who it is; (2) she called it a date; and (3) what am I the placeholder for the friend who is married?  I'm not sure who this might be, since I keep in touch with most of our mutual friends from undergrad who live in Chicago, and the fact is, most of them are married.  So, I have no clue what she has going on, and why she wouldn't just tell me who it is.  Again, for the drama.  I swear to God, if it is with our friend D who just got engaged and was in love with her for years, I am going to fucking kill her.   

She told me to call her to find out all the details of the breakup and the "date."  Jesus, I'd rather kill myself.  I just told her to tell me when she is getting here on Friday, and that I get home from work around 7.

This will be interesting.   


  1. I feel you sooo much on this. One of my oldest friends does the exact same thing of only wanting to talk about herself. I could be having the biggest crisis of my life and she'll change the subject to herself - like interrupt mid-sentence style. I never call her anymore and I only answer the phone once every few months when I'm in some rare mood to let her get it all out. I get some cheap entertainment listening to her crap but I don't even bother to tell her about my life anymore, because really, what's the point?

    And the drama! It's always something so stupid and so avoidable happening in her life... she cheated on her hubby and wanted my sympathy. NO. It never ends.

    Good luck this weekend. You're a saint for putting up with this!

  2. Oh my God, exactly! I can't believe you have a friend just like mine! We'll see how it goes.