I'm moving on from the "hours" method of timekeeping. It's Day 9 (I guess? I stopped last Thursday?)
It feels like it’s been an eternity. This has been the slowest week of my entire life. I should be over this by now, finished, no more craves. Last night when I got off the train, my hand automatically went into my coat pocket to pull out a pack of cigarettes that is no longer there. Earlier today when I finished a conference call, my brain wandered into the no man’s land of “time for a quick smoke.” But it isn’t time for a quick smoke, and it never will be again.
I wonder if I can do this. My resolve is still here. I’m happy not smoking, and both amazed and disgusted at the money in the prize jar that would normally be in the hands of 7-11, but is instead still in my house. It will be $90 when I put today’s $10 in the jar this evening. (I forgot to do it this morning.) I enjoy not smelling like smoke. I enjoy not being that gross person walking down the street with cigarette in hand.
One of my coworkers today told me that it took her until about six months quitting to not miss it anymore. September. I had to remind myself that I’m still strictly on the “one day at a time” plan. I can’t think about September, or even April. She also told me that if she could do it, I could do it. She’s right – she was a heavy smoker for twenty something years. If she can do it, I can do it.
The smell of cigarettes is still luring me in. I like the smoke smell when it’s in the air, but not when it’s stuck to fabric and hair. This morning I walked behind a guy who was smoking and enjoyed every minute of it. But hey, I didn’t smoke myself. It’s odd to be grateful for second hand smoke. Why do I still want this?
The worst part is that I’m hungry all the time. Starving. I’ve been eating nonstop for a week. I know I told myself that I’d allow myself to eat for the first month if it helped avoid smoking, but now I’m worried I’ll end up gaining 20 pounds! I’m attracted to salty, spicy foods. The chips and salsa from Chipotle are getting me through the afternoons. I don’t want vegetables or fruit or healthy food or a piece of gum or hard candy. I want garbage – pizza, Slim Jims, potato chips, cheese, ice cream, McDonald’s, French fries, nachos, and peanut butter Snickers Bars. I’m going to be bigger than a house by the time this is all said and done. I’m also craving beer. I seriously just looked at my clock and wondered whether I should have a beer, at 2 o’clock in the afternoon at my office at work. (Well, it’s not like it’s unheard of…) I may go crazy. In the meantime, I’m still not smoking.